Social Qs: Hubbie’s Braces Are A Faux Pas

young_moderns_conversation

My elderly mother has an unnatural attachment to her dog. It is one of those small breeds that’s very portable, and she takes advantage of that. The dog goes everywhere with her. She treats it like a baby. She even has a stroller for it so she can walk it around the mall while she shops. She has declined numerous invitations because the dog was not allowed to accompany her. I love dogs, but I think my mother has a problem. She doesn’t see it. Is there any way to get through to her?

Let’s take a step back and be careful and kind. Many elderly individuals acknowledge that loneliness is one of their biggest challenges, especially if they once had a home filled with children and activities, and they now live alone. It is very likely that her dog is a valued and beloved companion that gives her a sense of purpose and connection. It may also give her a sense of usefulness, which many of us experience when we take care of someone or something. There is a lot of literature that speaks to how useful it can be to have an animal companion, especially for elders who are residing alone. Now, if you truly believe that her pet dog is leaving her socially isolated because she is rejecting invitations from human companions, then you may want to help her find a compromise. But this may not be an issue at all if she has other friends who are willing to spend time with both her and her pet. I would also be concerned if her dog is keeping her from leaving the house, or if the responsibilities of taking care of the dog are physically challenging. If that is the case, you may need to work with her on a plan that keeps her and her pet safe. Finally, avoid putting her on the defensive. She may be less resistant if she feels you are supportive of her relationship with her pet, and may even be willing to take time off to be with her friends at a place that’s not dog friendly.

 

I have a friend who tells everybody she’s a vegetarian. It’s like she thinks it makes her morally superior to not eat meat. Here’s the kicker: She does eat meat! I’ve seen her enjoying a chicken salad and bacon with her eggs. I find it bizarre that a grown woman would lie like that. I want to say something to her. What would you do?

Let it go. Unless she is stealing the steak off your plate or attacking you for being a carnivore, it really doesn’t matter. You seem to be associating vegetarianism with a moral high ground. It’s not. It’s a lifestyle choice, a religious choice or even a financial choice. Your friend may like “branding” herself as a vegetarian, which you know to be patently untrue. It’s a bit like lying about her age or about having Botox. People tell these kinds of lies because they don’t necessarily feel so good about themselves, and they believe the lie bolsters them in the eyes of others. Your friend’s behavior is more sad than bizarre. If her lies and posturing don’t cause you any personal inconvenience, let her sneak her meat while you keep savoring yours.

 

My husband and I have disagreements over the usual stuff: credit card bills, household chores, work schedules. We don’t fight any more than other couples, but our 9-year-old son thinks our disagreements are far more serious. We try not to argue in front of our kids, but sometimes it happens. When our son overhears an argument, he becomes stressed out and thinks we are going to divorce. Reassuring him that we are not getting divorced does not help. He has many friends with divorced parents and he might think it is inevitable for his own family. I would love some advice on how to get him to a feel more secure.

Divorce looms as a major fear to so many kids, and for them, one fight between parents can be frightening and destabilizing, especially if they have close peers whose parents have split up. You and your husband know that all is well, but children aren’t always so confident, and they have the tendency to blame themselves for their parents’ issues. Mindful parenting is key, given how sensitive your son is to your fights. If a discussion is heating up, step into another room or space where you can handle it quietly. On the other side, ask yourself how often your son sees you enjoying each other: holding hands, laughing together or going out on a date night. In the thick of the stresses of daily life, kids, money, work and household responsibilities, many couples don’t demonstrate the love they have for each other. The more your son sees the connection between you and your husband, the more secure he will be when he witnesses your arguments. You are right; it is somewhat unrealistic to think that a couple can shelter their children from every little quarrel. When the two of you are feeling the rigors of a tough day and are concerned your fuses are short, recognize the impact your bickering has on him and find other ways to talk it out. That, plus the antidote of seeing his parents in a loving space more often, will help your son feel reassured until he is old enough to better withstand and understand these small arguments.

 

My husband of five years recently got braces. He never had them as a child and was self-conscious about his crooked teeth. I encouraged him to get them, but now I secretly regret that he went for it. I find that my attraction to him has decreased. It’s hard for me to kiss him passionately like I once did. I feel like an awful wife. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I certainly don’t want to this to ruin our relationship. How can I get over this?

Like many things in life, braces are temporary. Every couple experiences transitions in appearance during a relationship (e.g., a haircut, tattoos, hair loss, weight gain and normal aging). When the braces are off, he will have the smile he wants and will likely share it more often. You are being very hard on yourself. You are not an awful wife; you are actually being very human and honest. In the interim, kiss some of his other erogenous zones: his neck, his ears, and certainly the zones only you know. He may appreciate the switch-up in the kissing menu. My guess is that you are still attracted to him (he is more than his teeth). Sometimes honesty and clear communication are good policies. There is certainly no need to come out brutally and say, “No kisses until the braces come off.” If it can be addressed in a compassionate way and keep it about the braces, and not him, that’s a start. If you do just pull back more often without communicating, he may wonder what is wrong with him, which could be hurtful. Obviously he was attractive to you pre-braces and may be even more so post-braces. Consider therapy for yourself to vent about it, learn some communication skills for how to talk about it with him in a manner that is not hurtful, and also to ensure that this doesn’t devolve into deeper relationship issues for you as a couple.

Dr Ramani Durvasula

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