Estimates of marital infidelity in American couples range from about 19% among women to 23% among men. Some would say infidelity involves a kiss, while others consider an intimate conversation without sexual activity. What is clear is that affairs are about boundaries and boundary violations. The limits and flexibility of the couple’s boundary are often unspoken agreements between partners.
Traditional cheating involves physical/sexual contact with a person other than your partner. Emotional infidelity may begin as a friendship or exchange of personal information. With the wide-reaching capabilities of the Internet and use of other technology, emotional infidelity is on the rise. Affairs are the culmination of secrets combined with ever increasing levels of boundary violations.
People who engage in an illicit affair often fail to think about what effect possible discovery of the affair would have on their partner. Regardless of the couple and the relationship, if and when an affair is discovered, there will be consequences!
When an affair is discovered or disclosed the range of emotions of both partners may be unstable and may shift between shock, sadness, guilt, anger, fear, hopelessness, rage, anxiety, confusion, relief, and hurt. Perhaps the greatest of all emotions is often the sense of loss felt by both parties. The decision of whether to stay in the relationship or to leave is a difficult one to make. In the heat of the moment, your impulse might be to “leave the bastard!” However, there can be many ramifications of acting impulsively so this important decision needs to be made very deliberately.
The first step of the decision making process for the partner who has been cheated on will be to process the emotions that have been brought up as a result of the betrayal. Some people decide not to share the betrayal with friends or family members, because they know that once they do, there is no taking it back. However, this decision leaves the injured person (the partner who has been cheated on) to suffer alone. Seeking confidential psychotherapy to be supported during this difficult time while carefully analyzing and discussing issues can be extremely helpful.
Moving on regardless of your decision to remain in the relationship or to leave is not a simple task! It is a process. If you do decide to recommit, this process entails the desire to forgive and move forward, which, of course, does not happen overnight. Sharing in your partner’s pain and rebuilding trust and intimacy aid in the forgiveness process.
Re-establishing trust is one of the most important, yet difficult tasks lying ahead of a couple where one partner has been unfaithful. Re-establishing trust and restoring intimacy may take years of work and requires specific changes in behavior so that the injured partner believes that their partner will remain faithful. Too often, the focus is solely on the betrayer’s behavior; it is important to remember that both partner’s contribution to “the affair” require scrutiny and ultimately change.
Rebuilding Your Relationship
-Decipher the meaning of the affair, and accept and appropriate share of responsibility for it;
-Say goodbye to the lover;
-Earn back trust (if you’re the unfaithful partner), or communicate what you need to trust again (if you’re the hurt partner);
-Talk in ways that allow your partner to hear you and understand your pain, and listen in ways that encourage your partner to be open and vulnerable with you;
-Recognize how you may have been damage by early life experiences, and how you can keep these experiences from contaminating your relationship today;
-Manage your differences and dissatisfactions, so that you can stay attached even when you don’t feel particularly loved or loving;
-Become sexually intimate again;
-Forgive your partner, and yourself.
From After the Affair by Janis Abrams Spring
Suggestions For Preventing Cheating
-There are times when cheating can be prevented and here are some suggestions for helping to keep your relationship strong.
-Communicate! Ongoing communication about needs and satisfaction in the relationship is extremely important.
-Consciously work on the relationship each day! Make connecting a priority. Schedule time to connect, if you have to, and stick with it. Use this time to talk and listen and be focused on one another.
-Maintain intimacy, both physical and emotional.
-Maintain your own mental health.
-Maintain your sexual health individually and in the relationship.
-Have fun and keep things exciting! Do something out of the ordinary at least once a month to keep things exciting. One fun idea is to role-play, picking your partner up at a bar or restaurant and pretending like you have never met before.
