In my relationship, there are many involved: me, him, iPhones, laptops, and a variety of face-to-face programs that don’t always work. We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for more than two years. Our routine has been 90 days away, 30 days together, and we’ve recently embarked on a one-year challenge.
Some months are easier than others but when it gets tough, the blame is on us. My biggest observation is if we don’t both put forth the same effort, predicaments settle in. The result is e-mails become shorter, phone calls are missed and conversations no longer end with “I love you.” The truth is maintaining an emotional connection is difficult, so I began to wonder if there are secrets to increase our chances of strengthening our relationship and surviving this year apart.
Mark Rutherford is a license psychotherapist and a certified Imago relationship therapist and practices in West Palm Beach, FL. “With any good, long-term relationship, you need a vision. You have to create a plan that states what works, what doesn’t, what is allowed, what isn’t. It’s necessary to know each other’s expectations, and often you might have to modify that vision especially if long-distance comes into play.”
Here are Rutherford’s top five tips to strengthening your long-distance relationship. Let us know how you measure up and you’ve any advice.
1. Create a contract for behaviors while separated.
This contract is your relationship vision, and it can be modified. List your expectations, desires, concerns and frustrations. Often our fears are a result of our own past and are not due to the actual relationship. Behavior is not only about another woman or man. For instance, what if you call and you can’t get a hold of him. This might trigger a fear, so modify the contract by bringing in a set time for phone calls and not just winging it. It is creating a unique plan that fits your relationship.
2. Stay in contact.
This format depends on the couple because contact is a relative term and it’s what feels right to each other. One couple might speak once a week, but [throughout the week] send e-mails back and forth, and text messages that say “good morning” and “good night.” Some couples don’t need the detailed conversations every day, but some couples need that especially if there is a disconnection. In that case, add talking at least 10 minutes every day to your contract.
3. Ask questions.
This can happen by text, by e-mail or by phone. Ask questions, “how did the meeting go?” or just “how was your day?” but mean it. This is appreciative inquiry, and allows the other person to know you are thinking about them. It cannot be an interrogation. It’s not “Where were you doing last night?” It’s “Tell me about your evening.”
4. Remember to express emotion.
Saying “I love you” or “I miss you” never hurts. You need to be clear on these messages, because often in our discomfort with technology and communication, we are not often authentic. In a long-distance relationship, you are not standing next to him or her. There are no hugs, physical touches. You have to have verbal communication. This is the intimacy part.
5. Honesty is the best policy.
This goes back to no. 1. If something happens, then what’s the plan? There are couples that have different agreements. Some are monogamous, open or don’t ask, don’t tell. Figure out what yours is. Put it into the contract. Make sure that both of you are on the same page and expectations and then if it’s a long-term long distance relationship and something happens, if it does and it’s outside the contract then be honest about it.
